Stupidity
by AlwaysPadfoot
Summary: This was never supposed to be so hard.


**Stupidity**

**AlwyasPadfoot**

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**AN**: Unbeta'ed.

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_"Not now, Lily," I said, squinting over at my Transfiguration textbook, "I've got an essay for tomorrow."_

_I'd never get this essay for Professor McGonagall finished if Lily distracted me. I was simple not possible for me to be as naturally clever as she was, and besides, it was her fault I didn't get my last essay in on time._

_"Oh come on Marlene," Lily whined, giving her most pleading look, "I'll help you finish it afterwards."_

_I sighed, looking to her and then down at the essay I'd barely even started. I suppose if Lily helped afterwards then I'd probably get the essay done before midnight so reluctantly I nodded and abandoned my stuff on the corner table of the common room. I let her lead me up into the empty dorm, the other two girls elsewhere, before she flicked a charm at the door and pushed me backwards her bed. _

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"Miss McKinnon, why haven't you completed your essay?"

Lily did not help me with my essay as promised and now I was stood in front of McGonagall, disgruntled and unsatisified from the night before.

"I got my days mixed up, Professor," I lied. "I thought it was Wednesday not Tuesday."

"That's no excuse, McKinnon. Ten points will be taken, and you will come back here tonight to complete that essay."

I nodded meekly, "Sorry."

She dismissed me with a wave of her hand and I slung my bag over my shoulder and headed down to Lunch. I was in such an awful mood and to be completely honest I really wanted to go back to bed, but I forced myself to enter the Great Hall with a half-smile on my face.

Lily wasn't there yet, but Remus, Sirius and James were sat in the middle of the Gryffindor table. I sat opposite Remus who was reading a defence book whilst eating. I was surprised he could concentrate with Sirius passionately ranting about the Montrose Magpies whilst Peter nodded eagerly. I frowned, "Where's James?"

"I believe still trying to win the Head Girl's heart," Remus answered without looking up from his book. "I think it'll be the seventh year in a row now. I swear he's getting more stubborn each year."

"So is she," I murmured, helping myself to a cheese toastie.

Despite the fact that for all our time at Hogwarts, everyone had seen up close and personal how Lily and James acted around each other something this year had changed now that both were Head Girl and Boy.

I shouldn't complain really, Lily and l were only messing around. How often I'd tries to repeat that over and over in my head and yet the thought of us not being together made me feel utterly lost. Even I had never intentionally meant for it to go so far in my head. I liked Lily a lot, but in the end I still wanted to get married and have kids. I couldn't do that with her so why was the thought of Lily and James annoying me so much?

About halfway through Lunch, I was half listening to the boys and I half staring into space. I cast my eyes out through the open doors of the entrance hall, gazing at the people coming in and out if Lunch until my eyes fell on a couple standing near the back of the entrance hall barely visible.

It Lily and James, standing so close you could barely believe they were actually touching one another. I stared, mouth half open as ether appeared to be discussing something in detail. James' hand was in his hair like it always was when he was nervous and Lily was twisting hers around one finger, something she subconsciously did when she either wanted something or was flirting. Something deep inside me panged with disappointment and betrayal, even though Lily and I weren't even a couple. It appeared as though I couldn't stop from being hurt so at some point I'd managed to fall for her.

I'd stupidly fell for her. And now she was out there with James and she hadn't even mentioned it.

Suddenly I didn't feel so hungry anymore. As the two headed into Lunch, I dropped my gaze, occupying my hands by pouring a drink so went Lily sat herself beside me I wouldn't have to speak first.

"Was McGonagall harsh? I'm really sorry I didn't help you," Lily said.

"It's fine," I muttered, "I just have detention later."

It wasn't fine. It wasn't fine at all because she'd promised to help, but she'd had to go do prefect duties after she'd dragged me upstairs, something she'd failed to mention beforehand.

I felt Lily's hand rest on my thigh, "I guess I'm going to have to pick you up then."

I squirmed internally, confused completely by Lily's actions. Was she with James? Did she want to be with James?

Lunch, for me, then became and extremely uncomfortable affair. I was kind of turned on by Lily's hand tracing circled on my thigh, but also I was watching her every move. What she said and did, particularly with the guys, I watched carefully in case there was any hint of a relationship. There wasn't.

It was like they were purposely trying to cover up any hint that they'd been talking outside the entrance hall. So I headed to classes even more paranoid and uncomfortable than before.

Somehow I made it through the day and to detention without demanding that Lily told me what was going on, but when McGonagall dismissed me I was nervous as hell.

The corridor outside was dimly lit and I couldn't see Lily anywhere so I sighed with relief and turned left towards the common room. It wasn't until someone grabbed my arm and pulled me behind the nearest tapestry that I yelped with surprise.

"How was detention?" Lily grinned.

"You scared the shit out of me, Lils," I muttered, holding my chest to feel my heart thudding under the surface.

She shrugged, "It was supposed to be a surprise."

Lily moved closer, taking my hands and gently pulling them down out of the way. She leaned in and whole body flooded with reluctance so fast that she noticed my whole body stiffen.

"What's the matter?"

I swallowed heavily, "I saw you and James."

Lily abruptly let go and moved back, "Oh god, you saw us kissing. I'm sorry I wanted to -"

My eyes quickly morphed into a frown, "No I saw you guys talking in the entrance hall but it's good to know where your at."

"Oh Marlene, I was going to tell you, but I didn't want to stop us doing this until I knew that James and I going okay," she explained, "I didn't want to ruin our friendship by stopping this without a reason."

"That's not fair on James," I retorted before adding mentally that not was it fair on me.

"I know, I know," she replied, tears filling her huge green eyes, "I wouldn't want to ruin your friendship with him either."

James and I grew up together, we played Quidditch together. I could see where this was heading and of course I could see I was going to have to hold it together for Lily's benefit as well.

"We need to stop if you are dating James," I said, my voice wobbling ever so slightly.

"Now you know this isn't too hard," Lily sniffed, "Because we are just friends anyway. I was scared before because I wouldn't have been able to say I was with James because we said we were going to keep it a secret. You're okay with this right?"

"Of course I am," I scoffed falsely, "It's been a year, right? We had to stop eventually."

Lily smiled brightly and I tried to do the same, "Great, then I think we should go back to the Common Room."

"I've just realised I've forgotten a book I'm McGonagall's office," I replied, "I'll meet you there."

Lily nodded and slipped out from behind the tapestry. Once I heard her footsteps completely disappear, I slid down the wall, tears finally slipping down my cheeks. I was so stupid.


End file.
